| Exhausted |
[24 Jul 2005|05:21pm] |
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You'd be surprised to know how much I've learned over the past couple weeks. Especially within the past few days. I know Graham has a lot of room to grow. Sometimes he lets things slip that are immature, and sometimes he'll say things which don't really add up. But we're young. I occassionally don't add up, and I'm sure I say some things that aren't well thought out either. Spending time with people who've known Graham longer than I have though, and hearing all that they have to honestly say has helped, along with Graham's absence, to put many things in perspective.
I love him. No matter how things turn out in the end, a piece of me will always love him.
I considered breaking up with him. I had a serious conversation with my mom though that cleared everything up. I care about him a lot right now, the only reason I gave for breaking up was for his 'future happiness' and whatnot. But right now, he cares about me a lot too. We're both happy with the relationship we're in. To break up at this stage would be destroying something before it has a chance to thrive. I'm happy. Mostly, anyway. A bit of a quirk is that guys at work have asked my brother about what I'm doing now that Graham's gone. Haha. That's not inconspicuous at all. It's almost a comfort to know that guys would be interested in me. I never pay attention to that sort of thing, so I never notice if someone is obviously hitting on me unless they outright say something. At times I'm more of a man than I realize.
Yesterday I spent time with Lee, Graham's brother. It was the first time we spent solid time alone. We had some good open conversations. Amongst them was one involving Graham and I. The day before I'd told him I was considering ending the relationship. The next day I admitted that it wouldn't be fair to either of us to do it now. I don't have a legitimate reason. We love each other. The only obstacle right now is distance. And when you're truly in love with someone and able to communicate with them, telephonically or otherwise, things work out. People get hurt and pine after each other, but if love and friendship are both there, strength remains in abundance.
Strangely enough, it's almost fun. We've spoken on the phone twice and I've received five e-mails from him since he's been gone. The conversations on the phone were brief, but I was absorbed in everything he told me. It's cool to like someone so much that you still feel a connection, with so many kilometers separating you from your lover. A month from tomorrow he'll be home. He'll be home four weeks come Tuesday. :)
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[06 Jul 2005|04:12pm] |
Graham and I've decided to try long-distance. I've never known love could be like this. The media portrays it incorrectly; but there's no way someone could possibly deliberate how strongly love affects us. Sometimes it can be harmful. Often it is. We say love is a bitch only because we aren't efficient in understanding how to deal with it in difficult situations. Love has liberated me, but it's also limited me. Recently I haven't been as close to my family because of the constant time I've spent with Graham and his family. I haven't maintained a responsible relationship with my friends. But this time away from each other gives me the opportunity to reinforce the bonds that I've weakened and salvage the relationships that can still be salvaged.
Still. If I lose a few friends because of the time I've spent with Graham, getting to know him in ways I never thought possible, then I still have no regrets. As merciless and cruel as that sounds, he's worth so much to me. We're such great friends. We're such compatable partners. I wouldn't be the same person without him.
This afternoon I was at the airport with his family a few friends who showed up. He left with his dad at 2:20pm and won't be back until late August. He'll only be back for a week or less, and then he's off to Edmonton.
Tonight I'm going to have supper with my mom. I haven't spent personal time with her since... well, pretty much before I started dating Graham. Even then we were getting a little distant, but Graham's taken so much of my time that I haven't even been keeping a check on my artwork. I haven't painted or drawn anything serious in months. I'm excited for this summer. I won't be able to spend it with Graham per say, but in a way, he will always be with me. No matter how we end up, whether we eventually break up or someday get married, a part of me will always, always love him for all that he's done for me.
Also, on an unrelated note... I got my DAITH pierced on Monday!
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[15 Jun 2005|11:44pm] |
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I massage his shoulders. His face contorts. His eyes roll back. He cringes. I'm turned on. He grabs my foot for stability. I'm rubbing his shoulders, it takes every atom of my will power to not hump his back. Hahahaa.
Bad, wicked, terrible Arwen.
So, things are going well. Finals start Monday. Technically, finals don't start for me until Tuesday because Monday is English and well... no. Heh. It's not difficult. But biology will take some time to study for, as will Chemistry. Chemistry is going to kick my ass if I don't prepare. There's a lot to study for Christian Ethics; memorization mostly-
This is boring. New topic, please?
Graham leaves soon. We haven't discussed what we'll do when he leaves. He's done finals this coming Tuesday. I wish I was done mine sooner so I could spend more time with him. But I'm starting to realize that I haven't been giving enough to myself. I've given so much to our relationship and him that I've completely neglected Arwen. My art is crawling, my schoolwork isn't up to par with my last report card and well... he's going to the post secondary institute of his choice for him. And what am I doing? I haven't even been thinking about university. All I can think about is him. My priorities are out of joint.
But oh God. I love him so much.
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| Harvey |
[11 May 2005|11:05pm] |
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I have to show him off. I'm still figuring out what species he is. At first I guessed wolf spider, but I'm not quite sure. He's probably too young for me to tell. I found him on my basement wall. His body size is about 1/3", with legspan he's more like an inch. And I'm just saying 'he' because that's a universal unisex for animals unsexed. Yeah. No idea. But I caught him on Monday and I got him a beetle yesterday. He isn't hungry though, so the beetle's uneaten as of yet.
( +1 )
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| Malignant Machine |
[11 May 2005|12:02pm] |
Cross posted from my blog.
I wish I knew what to do.
I've always been in control at the
wheel of my psyche; this terrain has
always been manageable. Then you
came into my life, Obliterator
of reason, Destroyer of this
organization which I've
grown so attached to.
( The engine that... )
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| Frayed Nerves |
[05 May 2005|06:39am] |
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Today I'm going to write my AP English Literature exam. Students from across my city are collecting as a group to write the three hour stress-inducing puke at 8:00am, an hour and twenty-one minutes from now. I was jittery last night and called Graham, yammered for an hour, and then struggled with remembering some material from Pride and Prejudice for the open-book. I finished A Fine Balance too, so hopefully knowing those two really well and having Animal Farm, Angela's Ashes, etc. as backups will be sufficient. I'm not as stressed this morning. All I'm thinking about is getting it over with, coming home, showering, and then spending the afternoon with Graham.
Arrr. I've been feeling a bit better lately. I think it may be because I'm giving myself more lenience and not punishing myself so profusely for minute things. I was severely agrieved with myself over university. I felt pressured into doing first year, and kept telling myself that I was holding myself back and not mature enough for post-secondary. I'm also worried about Graham. He's almost certainly leaving to work for the summer, and he'll go straight to MacEwan after he's finished there. No stops back at his home town, straight to post-secondary. I won't be able to see him at all while he's in British Columbia. It's going to be so hard discussing dating at a distance with him. I used to worry about what he'd say. I still do, but I don't get depressed about it. Yesterday on the phone we briefly discussed how he was most probably leaving to work during July. He told me solemnly that he'd take me over money. Period. I remembered how excited he was about it and how he refered to our city as a 'grave', a place that prohibited him from excelling. And now he doesn't want to leave. Because of me. I don't know how to feel about that. Bitter-sweet.
On Tuesday I went with some friends to see Sin City. AWESOMEMOVIE. Go if you get the chance, it's excellent. Definitely worth seeing a couple times in the theatre. I also had an indepth conversation with Andrew about art post-secondary, and I may've changed his plans on going to MacEwan with Graham. I didn't do it on purpose, but I just told him my plans and we discussed what would be most artistically motivating for our future careers. I want to go to Sheridan, or Alberta College of Art and Design. Those are my two top ones right now. Emily Carr would be awesome, but it'd be hella expensive. A lot more than ACAD. Sheridan will probably be expensive too, but it'd be worth it. I can graduate with a BAA, Bachelor of Applied Arts, majoring in Illustration. That'd be my dream come true. Mmm. Drool.
I'm off to get ready to leave. Fuckfuckfuck. I can't wait for this to be over with.</align>
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